FIREFLIES AND FROGS

The fireflies are out again. Last night I watched them from my deck. The air was silent and the darkness so still which made the beauty of the fireflies all the more brilliant. They twinkled by the hundreds, maybe even thousands, in the shadowy tree tops. It felt like each tree was part of a merry festival and I was an outsider allowed to watch but not join in because I lacked the necessary body part to party with them. I didn’t mind. I felt like I was in a fairyland, mesmerized by a magical show of pretty white lights sparkling like stars against the night sky. To top it off, all of this was accompanied by the peaceful croaking of night frogs, deep and soulful, nature’s musicians for the enchanting light show going on above them.

There’s something about stepping away from our man-made contraptions and entering the naked world of Mother Earth. I seem to return to my basic nature. Stepping into the night, I felt immediately at peace. It was just me and Mother Nature, nothing in-between. It felt comfortable and familiar. I could breathe easy again. The quiet of the night filled me up and enveloped me like a cozy cocoon. The fireflies and frogs were like icing on the cake, breathtaking and soothing at the same time. It felt simple and real.

Simple and real. If only we could keep all things simple and real. We live in a complicated world. Our lives have become so complex and full of this and that and what not and everything in-between. We don’t know if we’re coming or going, staying or leaving. Everything and everyone wants and needs our attention now, tomorrow, yesterday. We’re moving so fast through our lives, we forget to breathe. We forget who we are.

I know that my sanity hinges on stopping and slowing down the hectic pace of my body and especially my mind. If I don’t find some quiet time to just sit or close my eyes in silence and breathe, even if it’s only for 5 minutes, I start to feel very unsettled and out-of-sorts. I begin to lose myself and I become more reactive to people and situations versus thoughtful and conscientious. In other words, I begin to turn into an ugly monster. My family can testify to this.  

Being in Mother Nature always brings me back to who I am. All it takes is stopping and paying attention.  Look around, really see and breathe in, close your eyes and feel, touch with your mind fully present. I guarantee you’ll soon feel your heart smiling. It’s smiling because you’re in touch with who you are again. You’re back home and there’s nothing better than that feeling of peace in your soul.  Bring on the fireflies and frogs. Let the party begin…

BECOMING

Sometimes we wander our whole lives

Wondering who we are.

Growing up thinking we’re someone,

Realizing later we aren’t

That person anymore…

Or never was.

We’re constantly shedding

Our old identities

For new ones, better ones,

Wiser ones,

Happier ones.

We confuse ourselves with multiple identities

And travel paths of continuous renewal

Without even being aware of how

We’re metamorphosing more deeply

Into whom we want to be.

Succumb to the journey.

Grow your soul.

You are becoming.  

LEARNING FROM TREES

Today is a glorious day. The sky is clear, the sun is bright, a cool little breeze is blowing, and birds are singing everywhere. My neighborhood is filled with peace all because of beautiful Mother Nature. I feel more alive and vibrant on days like today. It’s as if the peace I feel outside my body is transformed into a liquidy balm of sweetness that oozes into every corner of my body and being.

I’m sitting on my front porch, reading and writing. People and creatures are going about their daily business. Bees are busy buzzing, little white butterflies are twittering about, and it’s so calm and peaceful even Dale, our resident chipmunk, has come to visit, sunning himself on our top step.

Towering above our neighborhood are giant white oak trees, standing twice as tall as our homes. I’ve always loved trees. I used to live in a pecan orchard amongst rows and rows of graceful pecan trees. Since then, I’ve come to view all trees as silent guardians, always present, day in and day out, no matter what conditions are like outside. They possess a majesty and in their silence, an air of mystery.

Sometimes, when all seems calm and quiet here close to the ground, you can hear a swishing and rustling of leaves seeming to come from far away. Looking up, you realize it’s the topmost branches of the oaks catching the wind in their part of the sky, dancing and swaying in ever expansive and graceful ripples. Their rhythm is beautiful to watch and soothing to listen to.

Marveling at the plethora of trees and blooming flowers around me, I’m reminded once again of something I read a long time ago. I can’t remember the exact words, but the message went something like this: “Look at that beautiful daisy; it cares not about the beautiful rose growing next to it. See that young pine tree; it cares not about the tall oak standing next to it. They cower not in self-comparison to their neighbor. They grow steady and strong, only eager and concerned with who they are and need to be, knowing there will never grow another daisy like itself, nor another pine like itself.”  

When I’m experiencing a bout of self-doubt, I think about this passage. Trees and flowers grow because they must, without giving thought to their neighbor. They don’t stunt themselves into growing less, into being less, because of who’s growing next to them. They grow proudly into who they’re meant to be. They stand tall and grow tall to show off their own unique beauty, to join together with their tall and flowering neighbors as a gift to the world.

I think about them and try to follow their example. I know, you’re saying they’re only trees and flowers with no minds of their own, who grow because of instinct. Yes, yes, that’s probably true, but give them credit for displaying a stoic spirit and strength of character…just by being who they are. Plus, haven’t you heard of plants growing better when spoken kindly and lovingly to? Just ask Prince Charles. (But seriously, it’s true.)

Trees, flowers, all plants for that matter, surely have a spirit all their own. They show us how to be ourselves, to grow into who we’re meant to be and not worry about comparing ourselves to anyone else. We’re all unique. There’s no one else like you or me. We could all learn from a tree.

GRANDMA

I dreamed of my Grandma last night and ended up crying in my dream so hard I woke myself up. Upon waking, in my delirious half-conscious state of that God-forsaken early morning hour, I began to cry again because I remembered seeing my Grandma and crying in my dream! And when I say crying, I don’t mean head-bent-with-silent-tears-rolling-down-my-face crying. I was sobbing – scrunched up eyes, twisted mouth, shoulders shuddering, short of hysterics type of bawling, even when I woke. Talk about wet dreams! 

In my dream, I seemed to be on some type of stage or platform, looking out over a room full of people milling about. It’s like I was at a party or social gathering of some sort.  There, in the middle of the room, surrounded by chatting people, was my Grandmother. She stood there quietly, not moving, not smiling, not frowning, just looking serenely at me through her glasses. For some reason, I began to sob in my dream.

My grandma died on July 6, 2011. She was a strong, no-nonsense lady who’d suffered as a very young girl but went on to live a very good life, dying at the age of 91. I remember her as a petite, vibrant woman full of spunk who was a good cook, a fervent sewer of patchwork blankets, stern but loving, and the cleanest housekeeper I ever did know.

I don’t know why I cried last night. Loved ones have visited me in my dreams before and I didn’t cry then. I hadn’t gone to bed feeling especially sad or stressed. Maybe I cried because it was unexpected. Maybe it was because of the way she looked. Maybe it’s because I miss her. Maybe because it was Grandma and she made the effort to come, to say she’s still here, still cares, and still watching. Whatever the reason, I’m grateful.

FRAGILE HEARTS

Why?

Why are our hearts so fragile?

What is the reason?

Why can’t I be tougher?

Why do we feel like we feel...deeply?

So deeply we go crazy.

Our hearts are fragile so that they can

Crack open.

Cracking open alters us,

Or we’d all be the same.

We’re all different –

Less cracks, more cracks,

Clean cut and simple,

Long, drawn out and jagged cracks,

All exposing the soft underbellies of who we are.

It’s brutal, this cutting and cracking,

Cutting and cracking.

How we deal, builds who we are.

You, me, them.

So this is our world:

Cracking to break open.

Cracking to cry.

Cracking to change.

Cracking to feel more fully.

Cracking to release our souls

To the raw elements of life.

Cracking to live and learn.

Cracking so that we can keep on

Cracking

Open,

Even when we don't want to.

PARENTHOOD

I had lunch today with a friend who’s a brand new mom. Her son turned one month old today. We were marveling at what a different world parenting is from that of non-parents. It’s the most difficult yet rewarding job a person could ever have. There’s a lot of trial and error involved. As parents, we try our best to do things right, yet, despite our best efforts, we sometimes get it so wrong. Plus, even when we think we’re doing everything right, you just never know what’s going on in the mind of your child, even when they’re grown.

As an example, my oldest son, Joey, suffered from a kidney condition during the first 5 years of his life. Thankfully, he’s since outgrown it, but at the time, it meant lots of visits to his pediatrician. During these visits, the doctor would invariably test his reflexes by tapping his knees and elbows with a rubber hammer. Joey always demonstrated excellent reflexes. It wasn’t until he was in college that he realized how the reflex test was really supposed to work – you relax your leg (or arm) and it automatically jumps when the doctor hits the right reflex spot. No, what he was doing was purposely extending his leg or arm as fast as he could after the doctor tapped on it. Hey, this was how the doctor could see how fast his reactions (and his reflexes) were…you just never know what’s going on in your child’s mind!

As parents, we commit a lot of accidents when it comes to our children. While walking with our infant in our arms, we accidently turn a corner too sharply and hit our child’s head on the wall. We accidentally forget a child at the park after a soccer game and he ends up running frantically after the van as we’re leaving. We accidentally run over our daughter’s foot with the car after dropping her off at school. We don’t check first and roll the automatic window up in the car only to have your daughter pee in her pants ‘cuz her head is getting stuck in the window. The list can go on and on. I feel especially sorry for our first borns, who must suffer the brunt of our “learn by trial-and-error” methods. (Please note that even though some of the children in the previous examples did suffer minor injuries after said accidents, they have since gone on to thrive and survive.) Thank goodness kids are tough and resilient. Thank goodness they bounce back. Thank goodness we parents don’t scare easily and run off into the woods.

So here’s to parents. Here’s to all of our foibles and follies when it comes to our children. We aren’t perfect. Never will be. All we have is perfect love for our children.

HAPPINESS

I watched Green Bay Packer wide receiver Donald Driver win the Mirror Ball Trophy on this season’s “Dancing With the Stars” show. He was so happy he literally lay down and rolled over and over on the dance floor. When Tom Bergeron, one of the hosts of the show, asked him how he was feeling, Donald burst out with a shout of excitement, he couldn’t contain himself. He was overflowing with joy; it was pouring out of him right into me and I had to join him and shout with joy myself. He gave me a happiness moment.

I strive to collect happiness moments. I used to think that happiness was a destination, a state of permanent being to aspire to when all things lined up perfectly in one’s life.  I viewed happiness as a goal at the end of the rainbow, a place to get to after doing hard time in the school of life. To me, happiness was a place in the future where I’d settle down and grow old in..…but not anymore.

After watching Donald Driver celebrate, I was reminded of how much my views on happiness have changed. I realize now that happiness is something we experience and gather along the way, in collected moments and experiences. It’s not a goal. It’s not a destination. It’s not something to put off until we have achieved everything we want to. We can experience happiness now, every day, anytime, anywhere.  You don’t have to wait for it.

Imagine your soul as a nice big room. You can fill it with all kinds of things-beautiful, ugly, sweet, smelly, warm, cozy, cold, harsh, or loving things. The choice is yours. Imagine moments of happiness as flowers. These flowers are growing all along our life journey paths. I used to have blinders on, looking only for the field of flowers I imagined growing at the end of my path, when my perceived perfect life would finally be realized. Well, guess what?  I may never reach this great big field of flowers I have my eyes on. Just because I have my perfect life planned out in my head doesn’t mean God and life will cooperate. The really sad thing about having blinders on is that I didn’t notice and appreciate the beautiful flowers already growing right beneath my feet and all around me. I didn’t stop to gather these flowers as I encountered them and my room suffered because of this.

I don’t know how I managed to take my blinders off. I only know that they’re gone now and what a difference this has made. My room is now full of flowers – soft hued tulips, orange daisies, vivid violets, red roses, white calla lilies, fragrant gardenias and tuberoses, pink carnations, purple orchids, bright bougainvillea, serene lotuses, and so much more. The colors and perfumed fragrances of the flowers fill my room and pave my path with joy.

I’ve stopped waiting for happiness to happen in my future. It’s right here and now. I’m going out to meet, greet, and make moments of happiness. I’m living a richer, happier life because I’ve learned to recognize and appreciate all the moments of happiness that come my way. They’re safe in my room. We all know it’s unrealistic to be happy all the time. Much learning and growth occur through pain and sadness. The great thing is that if you’ve taken the time to savor and collect moments of happiness, these can nourish you and help you to keep on going during low periods. You can draw on them for strength. They remind you that beauty is out there. You have proof living right inside of you.

Happiness can be had in great big chunks, but these big and momentous occasions are usually widely spread out in our lives. A more consistent and just-as-sweet way to stay sustained and nourished in happiness can be found in bits and pieces, in everyday acts, and in moments that take us by surprise. Taking time to smell the flowers has taken on a whole new meaning for me. It means stopping to savor and collect beautiful moments of happiness, like when my mood is suddenly lifted because my favorite song comes on the radio, or when I stop with my child to watch in fascination as storm clouds grow right before our eyes, or when I bite into that warm raspberry croustade I’ve been waiting to eat all day, or when Donald Driver’s joy reaches me through the TV screen and I have to whoop in joy with him. Happiness moments? Check. Flowers added to room? Check.