FRAGILE HEARTS

Why?

Why are our hearts so fragile?

What is the reason?

Why can’t I be tougher?

Why do we feel like we feel...deeply?

So deeply we go crazy.

Our hearts are fragile so that they can

Crack open.

Cracking open alters us,

Or we’d all be the same.

We’re all different –

Less cracks, more cracks,

Clean cut and simple,

Long, drawn out and jagged cracks,

All exposing the soft underbellies of who we are.

It’s brutal, this cutting and cracking,

Cutting and cracking.

How we deal, builds who we are.

You, me, them.

So this is our world:

Cracking to break open.

Cracking to cry.

Cracking to change.

Cracking to feel more fully.

Cracking to release our souls

To the raw elements of life.

Cracking to live and learn.

Cracking so that we can keep on

Cracking

Open,

Even when we don't want to.

PARENTHOOD

I had lunch today with a friend who’s a brand new mom. Her son turned one month old today. We were marveling at what a different world parenting is from that of non-parents. It’s the most difficult yet rewarding job a person could ever have. There’s a lot of trial and error involved. As parents, we try our best to do things right, yet, despite our best efforts, we sometimes get it so wrong. Plus, even when we think we’re doing everything right, you just never know what’s going on in the mind of your child, even when they’re grown.

As an example, my oldest son, Joey, suffered from a kidney condition during the first 5 years of his life. Thankfully, he’s since outgrown it, but at the time, it meant lots of visits to his pediatrician. During these visits, the doctor would invariably test his reflexes by tapping his knees and elbows with a rubber hammer. Joey always demonstrated excellent reflexes. It wasn’t until he was in college that he realized how the reflex test was really supposed to work – you relax your leg (or arm) and it automatically jumps when the doctor hits the right reflex spot. No, what he was doing was purposely extending his leg or arm as fast as he could after the doctor tapped on it. Hey, this was how the doctor could see how fast his reactions (and his reflexes) were…you just never know what’s going on in your child’s mind!

As parents, we commit a lot of accidents when it comes to our children. While walking with our infant in our arms, we accidently turn a corner too sharply and hit our child’s head on the wall. We accidentally forget a child at the park after a soccer game and he ends up running frantically after the van as we’re leaving. We accidentally run over our daughter’s foot with the car after dropping her off at school. We don’t check first and roll the automatic window up in the car only to have your daughter pee in her pants ‘cuz her head is getting stuck in the window. The list can go on and on. I feel especially sorry for our first borns, who must suffer the brunt of our “learn by trial-and-error” methods. (Please note that even though some of the children in the previous examples did suffer minor injuries after said accidents, they have since gone on to thrive and survive.) Thank goodness kids are tough and resilient. Thank goodness they bounce back. Thank goodness we parents don’t scare easily and run off into the woods.

So here’s to parents. Here’s to all of our foibles and follies when it comes to our children. We aren’t perfect. Never will be. All we have is perfect love for our children.

HAPPINESS

I watched Green Bay Packer wide receiver Donald Driver win the Mirror Ball Trophy on this season’s “Dancing With the Stars” show. He was so happy he literally lay down and rolled over and over on the dance floor. When Tom Bergeron, one of the hosts of the show, asked him how he was feeling, Donald burst out with a shout of excitement, he couldn’t contain himself. He was overflowing with joy; it was pouring out of him right into me and I had to join him and shout with joy myself. He gave me a happiness moment.

I strive to collect happiness moments. I used to think that happiness was a destination, a state of permanent being to aspire to when all things lined up perfectly in one’s life.  I viewed happiness as a goal at the end of the rainbow, a place to get to after doing hard time in the school of life. To me, happiness was a place in the future where I’d settle down and grow old in..…but not anymore.

After watching Donald Driver celebrate, I was reminded of how much my views on happiness have changed. I realize now that happiness is something we experience and gather along the way, in collected moments and experiences. It’s not a goal. It’s not a destination. It’s not something to put off until we have achieved everything we want to. We can experience happiness now, every day, anytime, anywhere.  You don’t have to wait for it.

Imagine your soul as a nice big room. You can fill it with all kinds of things-beautiful, ugly, sweet, smelly, warm, cozy, cold, harsh, or loving things. The choice is yours. Imagine moments of happiness as flowers. These flowers are growing all along our life journey paths. I used to have blinders on, looking only for the field of flowers I imagined growing at the end of my path, when my perceived perfect life would finally be realized. Well, guess what?  I may never reach this great big field of flowers I have my eyes on. Just because I have my perfect life planned out in my head doesn’t mean God and life will cooperate. The really sad thing about having blinders on is that I didn’t notice and appreciate the beautiful flowers already growing right beneath my feet and all around me. I didn’t stop to gather these flowers as I encountered them and my room suffered because of this.

I don’t know how I managed to take my blinders off. I only know that they’re gone now and what a difference this has made. My room is now full of flowers – soft hued tulips, orange daisies, vivid violets, red roses, white calla lilies, fragrant gardenias and tuberoses, pink carnations, purple orchids, bright bougainvillea, serene lotuses, and so much more. The colors and perfumed fragrances of the flowers fill my room and pave my path with joy.

I’ve stopped waiting for happiness to happen in my future. It’s right here and now. I’m going out to meet, greet, and make moments of happiness. I’m living a richer, happier life because I’ve learned to recognize and appreciate all the moments of happiness that come my way. They’re safe in my room. We all know it’s unrealistic to be happy all the time. Much learning and growth occur through pain and sadness. The great thing is that if you’ve taken the time to savor and collect moments of happiness, these can nourish you and help you to keep on going during low periods. You can draw on them for strength. They remind you that beauty is out there. You have proof living right inside of you.

Happiness can be had in great big chunks, but these big and momentous occasions are usually widely spread out in our lives. A more consistent and just-as-sweet way to stay sustained and nourished in happiness can be found in bits and pieces, in everyday acts, and in moments that take us by surprise. Taking time to smell the flowers has taken on a whole new meaning for me. It means stopping to savor and collect beautiful moments of happiness, like when my mood is suddenly lifted because my favorite song comes on the radio, or when I stop with my child to watch in fascination as storm clouds grow right before our eyes, or when I bite into that warm raspberry croustade I’ve been waiting to eat all day, or when Donald Driver’s joy reaches me through the TV screen and I have to whoop in joy with him. Happiness moments? Check. Flowers added to room? Check.

CHANGE

This year is a year of many changes. My oldest daughter got married in January. My oldest son graduated from law school earlier this month. My youngest child is about to graduate from high school in June and head off to college 2,700 miles away. My younger daughter will be leaving her college campus in the fall to study on a ship for four months in the Mediterranean Sea.

All of these changes are doing funny things to my heart. I’m happy for all four of my children. They’re growing up, becoming independent, venturing out into the wide, wide world to start lives of their own. This is what they’re supposed to do. This is what the job of a parent entails - teaching our children what they need to learn in order to succeed and be happy on their own. This is part of the cycle of life. I should be overjoyed, instead, I feel sad. I feel like I’m losing something.

I can say I’m losing my children, because it feels like I am, but this isn’t true. They will always be my children and I will always be their mother. I’ll just be mothering them from farther away, in a different manner.

What I’m feeling is a sense of loss. I feel like I’m losing my sense of place in their lives. After being their number-one-go-to-person since the day they were born, it’s hard to voluntarily relinquish this role to something or someone else. But this is part of the growing-up process, for children and for parents. We both need to step aside and let our worlds expand outside of each other.

Sometimes I think it’s harder for parents to allow room for their children to grow. In fact, it is harder for parents. I’m living proof. It’s a process that takes time. It requires a deliberate and conscious effort to release your child, who has been tethered so tightly to your heart since before birth. They, on the other hand, are eager to break their invisible bonds with us, excited to meet the world on their own terms. This is as it should be. They embrace their growth with arms wide open. I’ve gotten better at letting go with each successive child leaving the house. I’ve learned that the world doesn’t end when they spread their wings and fly away, although I still suffer through a mourning period each time.

All of this makes me realize that I’m a grown-up who is still in the process of growing up. I get a kick out of this. It makes me feel like a kid again. It means I still have potential. I don’t have to be stuck in who I am. I can grow and change…for the better, always, forever. It means I’m still learning new things, new ways of being, still realizing new depths to myself. We all are, all of us so-called grown-ups. That’s exciting. I’m learning to embrace change, to have the faith and courage to step around the corner to face the unknowns waiting for me. I’ve learned from past experiences that even when the thought of change brings dread, what lay ahead was just as good or better.

The Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, said, “The only constant in life is change.” It’s a paradoxical statement, but it’s true. Change is everywhere – here, there, today, tomorrow, with me, with you, with everyone. It’s part of being alive. It’s scary and exhilarating…and it’s so necessary – to grow, to be vibrant, to learn our lessons, to expand our souls, to live, and to love. I invite you to be brave with me.  I invite you to be like our children.  I invite you to embrace change with open arms and allow life in.

A WAVE AND A SMILE

Something great happened today. A stranger waved to me and smiled and my whole attitude changed for the better. It was such a simple gesture but the consequences were great…and that surprised me.

I own a Mini Cooper. It was purchased in Germany while we were stationed there. In Europe, when Mini Cooper drivers encounter each other on the road, we wave to each other. It’s like we’re acknowledging fellow members in our exclusive “Mini Cooper Club” (similar to the “Corvette Club” here in the States). Upon returning to the continental United States, I found myself waving to other Mini Cooper drivers whenever I passed them by, however, 99.9% of the time, all I received back were blank stares. Disappointed time after time, I finally gave up on waving.

Fast forward to today, just another ordinary day with ordinary errands needing to be done. I head out in my Mini Cooper feeling a little bored and blah-like. As I wait for the light to turn green for a left turn, a white Mini Cooper comes driving by. I glance at the driver and lo and behold, she smiles and waves at me. Hey! She waved at me! What a shock…and pleasant surprise! Of course, I smile big and wave back.

Wow! All of a sudden, I’m feeling great. I’d given up on the fellowship of other Mini Cooper drivers, but here was a driver, a complete stranger, extending a friendly greeting to a fellow human being. How wonderful was that? And why was I so affected?

I think I was so affected because in waving and smiling at me, that driver was being brave and fearless in reaching out to make a connection with a complete stranger.  People don’t usually do this anymore, at least not the majority of people I encounter. In this day and age, we’re more prone to be suspicious and fearful of one another.

Our world seems a little colder than it used to be, especially with the explosion of personal hand held electronic devices in use today. We don’t look people in the eye as much as we used to. We don’t have actual conversations with each other as much as we used to. That driver’s wave and smile represented warmth. It was an actual old-fashioned hand wave and real mouth smile. It felt really good. Who would have thought such small gestures would evoke such nostalgia and feelings of good will? Not me. It took me by surprise, but I’m glad it did. It made me want to reconnect with everything and everyone around me in a really human way.

Suffice it to say, my errands were conducted with a much lighter heart …and I gave away a lot more smiles today, which added more smiles to my own pocket.

PRESENT MOMENT

“People sacrifice the present for the future and life is available only in the present moment.”

-        Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhist Monk, Peace Activist

The quote above by Thich Nhat Hanh says so much. How can we really appreciate and savor the moments of our lives if we don’t pay attention to them while we’re living them? Worrying about the past or future takes you away from where you presently are, who you’re presently with, at this very moment. Being present ingrains that moment into your psyche.  You’ll have all of these moments inside of you, living in your heart and soul, present, forever, if you pay attention while they’re happening. Paying attention now means having no regrets later.

We are constantly being tempted to not fully live and be present in this moment. With the abundant use of electronic devices of all kinds in our lives today, we often ignore the person standing right in front of us who’s saying, “Hey, I’m here. Talk to me. Look me in the eye. Hold my hand. Let’s experience this moment together.”  So many of us take it to an extreme by using our electronic devices while driving. Talk about not being present…to the pedestrians, cars, and obstacles around us. Not being present here often has deadly consequences!

My last baby is leaving the nest. He’s off to college in the fall. He follows his three older siblings, out into the great world, beyond the comfortable walls of home…and he’s not afraid. I’m glad. It means I’ve done my job, the job I’ve had for the past 26 years. Where has the time gone? It seems like I blinked an eye and all of my babies were grown, wings spread, ready to fly away. When I think back to all the sweet moments spent with them, there’s a voice inside me saying, “I hope you were there, fully present with them, appreciating every precious moment.” I want to say that I was. When I close my eyes and feel what’s in my heart, it feels good. There are no regrets and for this I am thankful. 

Who I Am, Who You Are

I've always asked questions. As a child, my family would get exasperated at my endless quest of always asking for more answers than they could provide. I often wondered why no one showed more interest in what the world had to offer. Weren't they curious? Didn't they want to know? I was perplexed at their contentment in not knowing. What was wrong with them? I couldn't fathom not knowing or at the least, not asking. As I grew, I realized that I was in a very small minority.  In fact, I seemed to be in my own category. No one around me - friends or family - asked the type of questions I wanted answers to. Worse, no one seemed to care. It made for a somewhat lonely existence. The good thing is that it forced me to explore on my own, within myself and what I perceived around me. I've been called eccentric and deep. It suits me.

"Museful Being" is my space, my own personal place to ponder and ask my questions out loud without having to worry about being shushed or hushed. Here, I can ask and wonder about anything and everything to my heart's content without encountering baffled or blank looks on puzzled faces.

I have had the pleasure and privilege of one special friend with whom I converse intimately on deep and esoteric subjects. I never thought I'd find another soul on the same wavelength as me. It's made a world of difference in my life. I hope to share a lot of what we discuss.

In finding another like myself, I've learned how important it is to share yourself with the world. Holding who you are inside of you, not letting the truth of who you are shine forth, slowly kills your spirit. Fight for yourself, even if you're alone in your little corner of the world where no one else seems to think or feel like you do, even if your loved ones don't want to or can't understand where you're coming from. Don't succumb to stifling who you are. I did it for most of my life and there's no joy there. Believe in who you are. You are who you are for a reason. The world needs you. We're all here to learn and to teach others. So go stick it to them...